dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh god it's open bar.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
