I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
