And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
