About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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