I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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