Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My liver just had a heart attack.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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