Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
