Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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