I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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