I look better un-naked...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
