We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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