Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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