also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
