OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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