My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
