i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
