my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
