she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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