Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
