You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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