Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
