she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
