My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
