This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
