so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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