i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.