Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.