i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same