Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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