So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
