U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
