I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
