when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
