Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
God, I missed his penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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