I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
