I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
