I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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