well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
