last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
