I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
