guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
then he tried to convert me to islam
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
