I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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