you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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