I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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