Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
