i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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