I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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