It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
