Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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