I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize