You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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