I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
