dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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