My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with