it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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