I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
