Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
